Monday, November 17, 2008

I dunno how to title my post, so i'll leave it blank.

School has been horrible. Another test with horrible grade. No horrible doesn't cut it. It's too god-awful, I dunno how to describe it. It's the worst mark I've ever gotten and am sure it's worse than any mark anyone would have ever gotten. It's THAT bad. And then there are never-ending projects and people tend to get cranky when deadlines are nearing, arguments (sometimes unfriendly) becomes abound.

I'm just glad most of my deadlines are over. Left exams and one more report to finish. I can't say I'm proud of the results that I've received so far and I can only cross my fingers for those results that are yet to come.

SY showed me this video from Avenue Q, titled "It sucks to be me". You can Youtube it. Sometimes i do feel it really sucks to be me. Often I ask when things happen, "Why me God?"

Sometimes I feel God is being really unfair. I do admit God grants wishes, but somehow I feel He's only granting small wishes, like when I ask for bus/cab to quickly come. But when it comes to things I really really REALLY want, He doesn't give. And I don't think my wishes are those selfish ones like asking God to make me richer, prettier, slimmer etc. Sometimes I even gave God reasons why my wishes should be granted. And I tell you, those reasons are reasonable.

When things are going really tough, I kinda become determined to be depressed. Refuse to smile, refuse to eat, refuse to be nice to ppl, refuse to talk to ppl and just lock myself in my room with rock music blasting my ears off. Anyways, when ur feeling like shit, it IS a chore to smile to ppl. Maybe I'm doing all that to let people know that I am depressed and that I should be pitied.

But somehow, I find it too troublesome to keep up such acts. And it's kinda like a circular thing, the more I show my depression, the more depressed and frustrated I become. Besides I am grateful for some friends that I have. Grateful for their non-judgemental attitude. "So you failed your tests, so you are a loser, so what?" they say.

I'm glad I can have a good hearty laugh with them without thinking, "Oh no, I shouldn't be laughing. How can I be so carefree when I just failed my test?"

When day-in day-out I'm surrounded with people who are forever bloody concerned with their academic achievements, I'm glad I've friends who can so freely tease one another, "owned" one another, make themselves look super silly and have a good laugh out of it, where I can make a fool out of myself without them looking at me with condescending eyes. Tho I can only enjoy such moments only 1 day out of the 7 days I have in a week, I am really grateful for it.

And yes, tho I do feel angry at God at times, I've to admit He does keep me sane in this crazy world. I do pray that He keeps this optimism in me so I can go through each day, to keep on living.

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