I have been thinking for the longest time if I should write this post. Even though blogs are like personal journal/diary, which means that I'm able to write anything I want in here, I know other people are reading and so the content may affect them. I really don't mean to discourage people, but I figured I'm not the confrontation kinda person and I really can't say no to people. Even if I said no, I'll feel bad for rejecting afterwards. So I'm finally writing this post so not only can I think more clearly (I somehow can make a decision better once I write it down), but for certain people to stop pestering me.
To be honest, I've long forgotten the meaning of having a religion. In fact, I'm really tired trying to be a goody goody christian that I'm not. Of course, I did try to be a good christian. But at the end of the day I feel everything is meaningless. Coming to church has become a chore, an unbearable chore. It disgusts me to come to a place where people keep preaching to be good, to love one another, to forgive, blah blah blah...you know the drill, when in actuality the place is teeming with hypocrites. Bloody f***ing hypocrites.
They smile, they preach, they shake your hand and sometimes even hug you, when I know fully well all the "unchristian" things they've done. They gossip about mean things, they backstab people, they malign, or they form groups where they would bitch about one another. The adults who kept telling kids to act in christ-like manners are the very same people that commit "sinful" acts. Sometimes their obsession to be a "good christian" turn them to be the very Pharisees that they preach us not to be. They kept saying, "let's pray!", "let's read our bible!", "let's try to get people to come to church!" etc, so much that everything not christian becomes a bad BAD thing.
If we play some game on sabbath, tho it's supposedly to christian games, they'd say, "oooh we shudn do that on sabbath", or "how can you drink coke? it's got caffeine!", "oh no, the person that drink coke is actually a pastor *exaggerated gasp*!", "rock music is EVILLL!" yadda yadda yadda.
Then i observe they don't pay offerings, they wear earrings, they wear slack clothes to church and they do other things (which I'd rather not mention cuz it'll pretty obvious who i'm referring to) that I thought should/shouldn't be done as a "christian".
Religion becomes a laundry list of do's and don't's. More often than not I get confused, so what the hell/heaven/nirvana (whichever you have the most affinity with) are we supposed to do really? Sit down one corner and read our bible and, whole day long, and go out to streets and preach, "Jesus is coming soon. Repent all you SINNERS!"? There's gotta be more to christianity.
As much as I hate hating people, I really don't wanna hate God. Often I find myself reasoning with myself to give religion another chance, but now i seem to have used up my inventory of reasons. I don't understand what God has in store for me anymore (not that I've known before actually). It feels that he's a really troublesome friend who refuse to tell me what he wants. The kind who don't talk much despite your incessant questioning of what he wants and you decide you'll stop questioning and do what you think is good enough. But then it's never good enough and he gets angry at you and do mean things and you're left wondering, "what did I do wrong?"
Yes I know we are supposedly able to get the answers from the bible. But circumstances sometimes just prevent you to be THE perfect christian, you know. It says love your enemy and forgive for 70x7 times. Let me tell you, I have this person that I hate so very very much that the word hate is a gross understatement. I forgave him many times, definitely more than 490 times, feels more like a gazillion times. I tried to give reasons for his horrible behaviours. I tried to be nice. I tried to put the past wrongdoings behind. I tried, God knows. But he is just sooo incorrigible. It seems that it angers him to see me happy. He hurt people I care about, physically and mentally. And when they say words is sharper than swords, it's true. He just love saying mean things and leave me wounded. And get this, he is a supposedly devout christian who keeps preaching what the bible says and that we shud do this and that. After all the hurtful things he did, you think I can still love him?
It's tiring to keep up with that list. It's stifling to be restricted by all those rules. I have friends who don't have religion and they are really nice, much nicer sometimes than those "christians". At the very least, they are not hypocrites. Of course, I've some good friends in church and I've no intention to sever our friendships just because I'm done with church. My opinion towards religion has nothing to do with my friendships. If it's not because of the possibility of being disown, I'd have left the church. I tried, heaven knows, but I guess like some relationships this one just doesn't work out.