I dunno how to title my post, so i'll leave it blank.
School has been horrible. Another test with horrible grade. No horrible doesn't cut it. It's too god-awful, I dunno how to describe it. It's the worst mark I've ever gotten and am sure it's worse than any mark anyone would have ever gotten. It's THAT bad. And then there are never-ending projects and people tend to get cranky when deadlines are nearing, arguments (sometimes unfriendly) becomes abound.
I'm just glad most of my deadlines are over. Left exams and one more report to finish. I can't say I'm proud of the results that I've received so far and I can only cross my fingers for those results that are yet to come.
SY showed me this video from Avenue Q, titled "It sucks to be me". You can Youtube it. Sometimes i do feel it really sucks to be me. Often I ask when things happen, "Why me God?"
Sometimes I feel God is being really unfair. I do admit God grants wishes, but somehow I feel He's only granting small wishes, like when I ask for bus/cab to quickly come. But when it comes to things I really really REALLY want, He doesn't give. And I don't think my wishes are those selfish ones like asking God to make me richer, prettier, slimmer etc. Sometimes I even gave God reasons why my wishes should be granted. And I tell you, those reasons are reasonable.
When things are going really tough, I kinda become determined to be depressed. Refuse to smile, refuse to eat, refuse to be nice to ppl, refuse to talk to ppl and just lock myself in my room with rock music blasting my ears off. Anyways, when ur feeling like shit, it IS a chore to smile to ppl. Maybe I'm doing all that to let people know that I am depressed and that I should be pitied.
But somehow, I find it too troublesome to keep up such acts. And it's kinda like a circular thing, the more I show my depression, the more depressed and frustrated I become. Besides I am grateful for some friends that I have. Grateful for their non-judgemental attitude. "So you failed your tests, so you are a loser, so what?" they say.
I'm glad I can have a good hearty laugh with them without thinking, "Oh no, I shouldn't be laughing. How can I be so carefree when I just failed my test?"
When day-in day-out I'm surrounded with people who are forever bloody concerned with their academic achievements, I'm glad I've friends who can so freely tease one another, "owned" one another, make themselves look super silly and have a good laugh out of it, where I can make a fool out of myself without them looking at me with condescending eyes. Tho I can only enjoy such moments only 1 day out of the 7 days I have in a week, I am really grateful for it.
And yes, tho I do feel angry at God at times, I've to admit He does keep me sane in this crazy world. I do pray that He keeps this optimism in me so I can go through each day, to keep on living.
Ok that's it. I.am.just.so.fucking.pissed.right.now!!!!!!!!!
Left my favorite blue Fila shoes bag, with my AFA book and my brand new shoes inside on Monday night in SESS GSR. Then when i went to check the room on Tuesday morning, it was already gone. Checked with security guards and cleaner aunties, nope, they didn't see any shoes bag. Then asked for CCTV viewing, they "regret to inform you that after carrying out our investigations, we are unable to get any findings on your reported lost items".
Regret my fucking arse! Did you even try? There are 2 bloody CCTVs outside the friggin' room and you tell me you are not able to get anything? HELLOW? Are you all blind? what's the point of having CCTVs if they can't capture the necessary images. Or don't tell me those stupid CCTVs are just there for a show. Wah, so much for the security in Smoo. So much for paying tens of thousands of dollars for the useless facilities (not to mention the suicide-inducing education system)
OMG i am just so dead. i got a bloody AFA quiz next Tuesday and I haven't finished studying and now the book's gone. Just to let you know, it is IMPOSSIBLE to re read everything now that exam's in 2 weeks' time. Oh btw, i failed my first quiz, so I suppose I should just continue my failing streak. Great. Fantastic. My life is so perfect now. Everything's going according to what I want. Woo hoo! HAAAAALLELUJAH!!
PS: To whoever stole my stuff:
I hope you're happy. You have made a girl so friggin happy right now that she's lost sleep, spent day in day out wondering around SESS building, asking strangers here and there to find her precious book. I hope you get ur just dessert. Just don't let me find you. If I do, i'll make sure I slap your face so hard, your face swollen thrice the normal size. If you're a guy, I'm gonna kick your friggin' didi SOOOO HARD that you can say goodbye to your future kids. If you're a girl, hmm that's harder, well at least I'm gonna embarrass you enough that you wish you disappear from the face of the earth. I hope you die a horrible death you KNNCCB!!
Never have I experienced such a tough term in SMoo. Even the word 'tough' is such a gross understatement. True, each of the 6 terms that I've had has been tough, hectic and full of frustration. But this time I really feel like the water is all the way up to my neck.
Bombarded with works and demands left right back centre top bottom. I'm drowning in all these 'things to do' and I have no frickin' idea how to save myself. I don't see anyone in sight that I can shout for help to. No life buoy in sight either. Even the people I regarded as good friends have betrayed me. So bloody frustrating!
I tried to be optimistic, but every time I thought things are going a-ok after all the efforts done, all the late nights, then No, they are actually major flops. Failed tests, failed projects, re-do, more research, more writings to do. Don't people need a life? When the hell all these gonna stop?!? And worst, I'm doing all these for a degree that I don't even want. FUCKIN SHIT i tell u!
"You should thank me that you got into SMoo, where 100% of its graduates a job and they get paid well" he said.
Thank you??? You want me to thank you?!? You gave the least help when I need it the most. And you made those useless comments that you should've just kept in your fucking little shitty mouth. And who cares about money when everyday I just feel like gulping potassium cyanide.
You don't even show a little bit of proudness when I told you I got a job. Not even a tiny little glimmer of proudness. Why? The company not famous enough? Pay not big enough? Job title not zai enough for you to brag to your friends? It's ok. I feel it's not something to be proud of either, not when others can easily get twice or thrice the amount in some swanky big banks with some high-class-sounding job title. I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment. Never shown you any straight-As report card and the 5 Cs (it's 6 now) that I've collected aren't the same Cs that you want me to give you.
Oh wells, blame myself for being able to be swayed easily, to have believed those empty promises. I guess at the end of they day, I have only myself to blame for all these.
Oh wells, c'est la vie. I'll just have to psyche myself up. Delusion myself that everything will turn out fine. Do my best. Smile. Be happy. Yea, whatever.
Just a girl trying to (not) make sense of her world.
Here she is, writing down things; it may be lyrics, it may be phrases, it may be experiences, it may be fantasy or dreams. But these are the things she doesn't want to forget. Ever.